I've been rather depressed lately and it seems as though the only thing I want to do is revert back to my old habits. Back to the way I used to be, back to what I was comfortable with. I'm not happy with my life right now. It's so disorganized and all over the place. I don't know what to do with myself. My room is a mess, my "studio" is a mess and just everything is a mess and all I want to do is curl up in a corner and just be alone. I don't want to have to deal with all of these messes. I don't want to deal with the disorganization of my mind. Maybe I shouldn't have stopped taking my meds, I don't know.
I've got a two week vacation coming up in less than two weeks and I want to be able to feel comfortable in my skin. I can't though. I almost never feel comfortable with myself. I'm an awkward person. I'm just all around weird. I don't have many friends. And the ones I do have don't ever go out of their way to come visit me all the way out where I live. Even though it's really not that far. I've put in the effort to get out there and visit them on several occasions. I don't drive, so I have to take transit everywhere. And taking transit from here to there takes almost two hours and ten dollars.
I look at all the pictures they post on Facebook and it looks like everyone is having such a great time. But I'm not there. I never am. I never get out. I never do anything. I sit at home and lay in bed all day, or I go out and spend money on useless stuff, or I drink all day/night by myself. I'm such a loser and I have no life. I have no friends. All I have is me and my disorders. I've never been in a real relationship. I've never been physically close to anyone, ever. I'm alone. I really am and it feels terrible.
I'm depressed. I know it. My eating disorder is affecting me in horrible ways, as is the depression. They both feed off of eachother, and to make it worse, alcohol and self-harm feed the fire. I'm just adding more gasoline onto an already destructive inferno. And it seems like there's no stopping it. All I can do is simply suffer alone and watch my life just burn before my eyes. I can't seem to do anything about it. I can't reach out for help. I was never good at that. And so I just sit here and suffer alone.
I put on a mask everytime someone is in sight. I'm never frowning when people are around. I'm never almost on the verge of tears in front of people. My coworkers only know me as being a bubbly and happy person. My bosses know me as energetic and hard working. My friends know me for being the weird one with the stupid remarks and the stupid actions. It's sad because I'm not a happy person. I'm a deeply troubled and depressed person, yet somehow I always manage to fool everyone into thinking I'm just peachy. It's a self-defense thing. I can't let people into my life, I can't let people see the real me.
I don't know. I'm just venting to no one here. I'm just a stupid and unworthy human being.